I’m officially in Mommyhead Territory when I’m searching Amazon for “high-waisted underwear”

Malachi figured out how to pop my handlebars up and move my wheelchair around, so he DOES and I’m just (unless I stop him) moving at his will. It’s so cute and he doesn’t run into walls ever, so he’s already a little better at it than I am

I’m a product reviewer for a gel moisturizer list works well and I give it 5 stars, except it smells like burning Barbie. When they ask me I’ll have to say that but I know they’ll just assume I was one of those children with the Devil inside them.

I’ve never burned a Barbie before (promise) but we all just kinda know how it would smell, right? We just kinda know?

I just messaged someone that I haven’t talked to for 20+ years and don’t know aaaanything about their situation or sensitivities, telling them I think they’d be a good mom. What am I doing? I’m not even bored

I cleaned the mold off my electric toothbrush holder, took a picture, showed it to Christopher while pumping my eyebrows then say “I’ll meet you in the bedroom.” But he DIDN’T COME I’VE LOST MY SEDUCTIVE TOUCH

(made fun of me last week for having so much mold on my holder. is anyone else like me)

Turn Me On by Kevin Lyttle (one hit wonder)

Singing this song to Malachi and he keeps hitting me on the face when I hit high notes  it’s our new game don’t tell me it’s inappropriate

Christopher just told me to “get your dry ashy hands off of me.” HAHAHA I’ve done it, I've isolated myself from all people. it’s just me and Achilles now

I remember right after I got married, the first person other than my husband I was attracted to was Joseph Gordon Levitt and that made he so uncomfortable that I couldn’t watch his show Hit Record. cutie, bby Kristin

I will never again (never, NEVER) take for granted when I can look in the toilet and see the color of my pee. We put toilet-cleaning tablets in the tank that turns the water blue & lasts for about a month, so my pee looks blue in the pot. I haven’t seen my hydration level in a MONTH. I miss yellow pee so much

The best part about day to day life with my husband is (he makes me laugh, he’s smart, he’s a good cook) that he doesn’t get after me for leaving my clothes in the dryer for daysss because he does it too. Bless our hearts

I'm cooking things, which is good, but I'm making lots of weird, blind recipe modifications. Like matcha muffins today, but I'm leaving out the sugar - not substituting with honey or cutting the portion size, just leaving it out. maybe it'll taste bad but Malachi won't know better so he'll eat it anyway? maybe they’ll be tasty and the matcha is sweet enough? orrr maybe I'll give them to Achilles. standby!!

My problem with small talk is I start talking about uninteresting and/or way too personal things. Tonight, I was 1 minute away from bringing up how my new routine of eating a PBJ before bed (for the calories) is helping my wound to heal faster. who have I BECOME I USED TO BE GOOD AT THIS STUFF

I have a cute lil gap between two of my bottom teeth that only shows up when my teeth are perfectly clean. So if I see a dark spot I first confirm that it’s not a piece of food (common) then I know it’s just the gap. I saw the spot midday yesterday, not after brushing my teeth (& it wasn’t food). Does that make sense? I'm proud of myself and this is the only place I can brag

I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t pull up plants by accident anymore
(I thought they were weeds!!!), but now I'm just hunting out the weed. I even pull them sometimes when we’re sitting in front of our (new) neighbor's house (that's still under construction. we watch the trucks). It’s just so saaaaatisfying

Me and my grandfather bonding over wound care supplies — honey. Finally, someone who speaks my love language (wounds)

Nothing tastes better than water at night after it’s too late to drink water. noooothing.

This isn’t a pointless post because I’m wondering if anyone else has a water cutoff time?? Or is it just us paralyzed folk?

The difference between parting my hair in the middle and on the side is COMICAL. In the middle it’s “I’m having an ugly day today. Good thing I married and he doesn’t really care,” and on the side I’m “ok, safe to leave the bathroom and say ‘good morning’ to him. No need to check a mirror until late afternoon.” I’m serious about this

I don’t know what the stage is, but it feels like having to wear a wet (from washing it the night before and letting it hang dry) bra is reaching a new stage in my life. I don’t love it, it’s just new

I loveee finding out that somebody who looked at you rudely is actually a sweet person and it’s just their face. This is your sign to challenge the RBFs. I made a friend!

The fact that I’m willing to skip a massage because I don’t want to be away from Malachi for that long (50 minutes?!) is riiidiculous, even in my opinion. Obsessive, almost. help I love him so much

(i didn’t skip don’t worryyyy. but it was tempting)