I just told Christopher that I love the smell of Malachi’s pee. what is wrong with me

I want someone to ask “how did you get that cut on your face, sweet Kristin?” because I want to tell them it was Malachi’s toenail

but nobody will ask because it just looks like acne

IT WAS HIS TOENAIL

A perk of having a [really] bad memory is I can watch an entire season of a show and not realize I’ve already seen it until the last of the 8 episode hour-long-episodes season It’s crazy

A new milestone: I’m at the age where people my same age are on the HOA board

Malachi just lets me credit card swipe his butt cheeks whenever I want to

Malachi named one of his studded animal dogs “Weiner”. so proud

Things I’m teaching Malachi that miiiight be a problem (but it’s OK I don’t care):

• Firing a fart cannon (throwing his fart) at me every night before bed

• We play a “ where the Gummies?” game every day at night time where he has to reach on my shirt and get the Gummies that I stuck somewhere in my bra

• Poops are still “turd worms”. I hope this one sticks

I remember in college I was telling somebody about my jet ski accident, how I got paralyzed, etc. and my voice kept cracking because I had a cold, but it happened when I was telling the dramatic “then I got a spinal cord injury” part, so it seemed like I was about to cry. So I told her “My voice is cracking because I have a cold, not because I’m crying” And she kept saying “ It’s OK to be emotional. It was a big deal.” 

That happened 3 times and oooo it made me so mad (but I didn't show it because she meant well) (but now here I am, thinking about it 13 years later)

I’m living in the opposite:

I woke up early, 8:15, and I want to(/I might!!!) go wake up Malachi because I simply cannottttt wait to see him. what is wrong with me

We got a Ring camera that sends us alerts when someone is at our front door. It’s impressive, descriptive. This morning, lying in bed (at 8:30), I looked at my phone to an alert that “a person in a wheelchair is sitting at your front door” at 6am.

It wasn’t me sooo who is using my backup chair to sit at my door???

The number of times Nelly (dog) has eaten Malachi’s poop off the floor

is

too high

The problem with a thigh gap:

when I’m sitting down (I always am) and trying to carry something (food) on my lap, it falls into my crotch and I have to dig it out. Gimme the thigh fat back

I just took the final exam for traffic school 🫠 and look what I got wrong. I chose D

24.  When the road gets rough: 

A.  speed up to quickly get through the rough spots. 

B.  slow down and retain control of your vehicle.

C.  turn around and find an alternate route.

D.  turn on your radio or have a cigarette to relax.

HAHA I need to slow down, maybe

I’m so proud of myself for drinking my whole 30oz water bottle by the end of the day but I looked it up and I’m supposed to be drinking 75oz a day????? who does that

Teaching Malachi to call his poop a “turd worm” is my accomplishment this week (can’t WAIT TO START homeschooling)

There’s a special level of joy that - thank you very much - only a new water can bring me. I need to find a Water Bottle Lovers online forum so I can talk about my new (Owala FreeSip 30oz) as much as I want to

Just coming here to say

in all my years of unloading the dishwasher, I have always ignored the rule “Don’t take the dishes out when they’re hot, or they’ll break” and none of my dishes have ever hot-broken

Malachi I have a new game where we eat toothpaste(!), then run around the house yelling “TOO SPICY, TOO SPICY.”

who needs toys?

Christopher taught Malachi to throw his fart air at me. so that’s our latest milestone

I just put Malachi to nap and he just decided “I can’t walk.” So he crawled up his stool, dragged himself onto the bed, and flopped around on his side. Told he “when I wake up I yell ‘mama bring me wheelchair’” and I’ll bring him his purple wheelchair. Loves me so much? Or MOCKING ME? (it’s love)