my urologist is talking about my vagina using a baby voice

every time I say anything to this YMCA staff member he makes a sound to turn my words into an innuendo.
we just had a conversation about granola bars but he kept making wanky sounds after things I said and it feel like things got sexual

I wish there was a place that I could drive thru and buy toothpaste

carrying the world on her shoulders 

playing hide and go seek with Joe

I finally learned to have self respect

You can be a softer, smoother, more beautiful little armpit

I just filed six work orders on my wheelchair

seriously

it’s time for an upgrade. (1 more year)

the word “terrific” bothers me today

Achilles and I talked about it and she is a Republican

Michael just called me “McTiny”

the key is if I feel comfortable enough around you to text more than one consecutive exclamation mark

I was digging a trench in the peanut butter and Dad messed it up. So much effort wasted

sometimes Achilles and I touch foreheads while I rub her stomach

kristinbeale:

pc phone home

I text messaged this to Dad right after I made this post BECAUSE IT WAS GOOD MATERIAL AND I NEED TO HEAR LAUGHS. and he called me on the phone as soon as he got it hahahahaha

pc phone home

and I don’t like McDonald’s but for some reason a picture with Ronald McDonald was my #1 priority. so happy about this

today I beat my best marathon time by 27 minutes. I am a proud man

I just posted 3 comments on 3 different people’s Facebook wall/pictures IN ALL CAPS. I’m in a mood