Dad has a bloody nose in the bathroom so when I came in there were a lot of bloody tissues in the toilet. He saw me looking at them
and
“I’m sorry. I started my period.”

our hotel room number is 420 so I made a marijuana joke/I don’t know what I’m talking about but it was still good material. but Dad didn’t understand and I had to explain it to him. downward spiral of a failed joke

for the first time in my life I have ALMOST used ALL of my stick of deodorant. thank you, Axe

we are leprechauns

Dad keeps stepping on frogs

I wish Arthur treated me like Ice King treats his Princess Monster Wife

I have realized that I can’t waste happiness that other people and other things give me because I’m hung up on another problem. I just have to LET the bad one GO so I can enjoy things fully again. Don’t expect a lot from other people and I won’t be disappointed. I feel HAPPY. ((thank you Jake)))
Poppin chips, gotta pop those chips.

“There are some nouns in my mouth. They’re called Cheetos.”

— Chris Beale

I cannot stop laughing

ATTENTION. the rainbow cookies are gone and I have not eaten Cheetos in two days. Rest easy, everyone. Rest easy

I fell asleep with a Ricola in my mouth and now there’s Ricola marks on my sheets

at the doctor's office

I’ve said the word “lube” 3 times and it’s like I can’t say it without making my voice deep and sounds like a male. what

considering Atlanta

When people ask me for my phone number I’m going to start telling them it’s HAM-9201

Jessica said I’m a Human Prius

i want this performed at my funeral

I brought a bag of potato chips as a hostess gift for Kris and Mom said that was bad. well gosh

good morning because friends were here, crummy afternoon because of things, great evening because I’m reading a book in shorts on the deck, best night because Jessica is coming over. RoLlErCoAsTeR sAtUrDaY. but overall so good I am so happy

I am so bad at giving relationship advice because 1. I don’t have relationships so everything I say is made up and 2. my response to every problem is just “get a dog.” Don’t ask me about boys. I don’t know.

two dudes just asked me for directions via two stoplights and a stop sign - listed off stores and street names - and IT WAS EMBARASSING because I recognize/have driven them 100 times but I have no idea how to get there. embarrassing.

also I had Cheetos for breakfast and rainbow cookies for lunch. I have lost control.