I fell asleep with a Ricola in my mouth and now there’s Ricola marks on my sheets

at the doctor's office

I’ve said the word “lube” 3 times and it’s like I can’t say it without making my voice deep and sounds like a male. what

considering Atlanta

When people ask me for my phone number I’m going to start telling them it’s HAM-9201

Jessica said I’m a Human Prius

i want this performed at my funeral

I brought a bag of potato chips as a hostess gift for Kris and Mom said that was bad. well gosh

good morning because friends were here, crummy afternoon because of things, great evening because I’m reading a book in shorts on the deck, best night because Jessica is coming over. RoLlErCoAsTeR sAtUrDaY. but overall so good I am so happy

I am so bad at giving relationship advice because 1. I don’t have relationships so everything I say is made up and 2. my response to every problem is just “get a dog.” Don’t ask me about boys. I don’t know.

two dudes just asked me for directions via two stoplights and a stop sign - listed off stores and street names - and IT WAS EMBARASSING because I recognize/have driven them 100 times but I have no idea how to get there. embarrassing.

also I had Cheetos for breakfast and rainbow cookies for lunch. I have lost control.

kristinbeale:

Dad bought a PARTY SIZE bag of crunchy Cheetos ((i cannot resist )) and we haven’t opened it yet but he keeps teasing me with it. 

I’m laying in my bed in my room and he’s in the kitchen crinkling the bag and yelling that he’s opening it so I’ll scream for him not to. it’s exhausting

BECAUSE ONCE THE BAG IS OPEN ICAN’TCONTROLMYSELF

when I came home the bag was opened, i ate 100 handfuls, wasn’t hungry for dinner. I’m home alone all day tomorrow and it is ALL DOWNHILL from here.

also there’s rainbow cookies.

I am so thankful for my freedom to control my own diet

Achilles is walking on top of the snow without breaking it

Dad bought a PARTY SIZE bag of crunchy Cheetos ((i cannot resist )) and we haven’t opened it yet but he keeps teasing me with it. 

I’m laying in my bed in my room and he’s in the kitchen crinkling the bag and yelling that he’s opening it so I’ll scream for him not to. it’s exhausting

BECAUSE ONCE THE BAG IS OPEN ICAN'TCONTROLMYSELF

Achilles Jones are snowed in the house alone all day today and I have made up so many songs for her. I wish I could be Beyonce for one hour so I can film them all and become famous

I miss my anon

WORST
POSSIBLE
WEEKEND.
hearing Arthur’s voice for just an irrelevant 6 minute phone call didn’t fix anything but made me feel soooo much better, calmer. how can this be

we went on our first bike ride of the season today (!!) and as soon as I pulled in the garage she ran full speed to her bed to do this

farts = air eggs

reblog if true