I tell Christopher Malachi’s looks like “a good mix of us” but he is a MAMAS BOY. amiright? I wiiiiin

The most annoying thing Malachi does is sleep all the flippin’ time

Now that we have a robot mop/vacuum (“BootyBot”), I see ONE SPOT on the floor and I mop the whole house. It makes me feel responsible, I don’t care how much soap solution I’m wasting

I had a dream that I wrote a bunch of blog post ideas in the sand with a stick, then the water came and washed them away. I was devastated, it was a nightmare? Don’t anyone tell me I’m not committed to posting silly one-liners for you guys

Christopher is teaching Malachi how to toss his farts (at me)

I looked in the mirror this morning and decided I looked like a beautiful mermaid because I didn’t have mascara on and looked like I just got out of a pool. Then I looked in the mirror at lunchtime and HAHA I still looked like I got out of a pool, but in the worst way. why didn’t Christopher tell me

I’m at a point that days I put on pants and don’t leave my house feel like a humongous waste. 

— the putting on pants part is the waste, not staying in. Malachi growing up and me having to wear them around him every day will be a ruUde awakening

It’s so funny that Malachi loves milk so much

Malachi is 2 months old and I’m already ITCHIN’ for another baby. I just love him and being a mom so much. somebody stop me (you can’t hehehe)

Malachi is like a chocolate soft serve machine

DO YOU GET IT

Sorry! (& I’m not) that I have to stop text messaging with people (& family) who “heart” and “thumbs up” my text messages instead of using words to respond. why is that a thing

What do people call their kids these days- sweetie, honey, babe? Ours is Buttcheek Boy

My and Dad’s new game(?) is to see other babies in public then call each other and talk about how much cuter Malachi is. No baby is safe, I don’t care how beautiful it is

What happened was I was eating chocolate, I bit into it and a piece dropped into my lap (wasn’t wearing pants), I couldn’t find it, the chocolate melted. Then I found melted chocolate later on my underwear. It’s not a poop smear on my underwear, but Christopher will neeeever believe me

I want to teach Malachi that the word for poop is “winnie” (poop>poo>Winnie the Pooh>winnie) but he WON’T LET ME. standby, I’m not giving up

Malachi doesn’t suck his thumb, he sucks his pointer finger. baby genius?

My dad taught me not to mouth-breathe by putting his fingers in my open mouth (ew), so I’m trying the same thing with Malachi but he just starts sucking on it (kinda ew)

- not tryna brag, but -

Malachi sleeps so long sometimes that I need to check if he’s still breathing. How much he sleeps is the most boooooooring thing and definitely not a brag.

I started taking a vitamin that makes my armpits smell like maple syrup??? it’s real but Chris won’t smell

Now that I’m not breastfeeding anymore, the sound of my breast pumps are the background to my life

(tmi? help)