PSA
As adults, FLOSS. because if you don’t floss, food rots in between your teeth and you develop a STENCH that doesn’t go away when you brush because food has ROTTED between there for so long and your mouth smells like puke no matter what. so far I know 3 adults with this problem and I don’t think they even know it because who is going to address that issue? no one. I bet no one will. it’s very nast, though. floss your teeth, people
I went on a date today, played the same game. It’s really weird that I keep suggesting it, but it’s kind of fun. Today’s date guessed correctly. Congrats, Zack
I just went on a date with an attractive and friendly young man and we played the game Freckle or Dried Blood? about the dot on my lip. I got to choose the ice breaker.
(spoiler alert: it’s dried blood. I like how it looks, though, so I leave it alone.)
being at home in the middle of the day means I sat on my back porch without a shirt on. IT WAS VERY EXCITING. and scary and risky and brave
There’s a fly in my bathroom named Louis and I want him dead
People say this will happen but I didn’t think it would apply to a FLY in my BATHROOM: once you give it a name, attachment.
But it did and flies only live about 3 days so I think I’ll be sad when Louis dies. I trap him in my bathroom so I can keep track of him and sometimes I talk to him (WEIRD BUT TRUE).
Two indications: 1. maybe I’m at home too much and need to get out of the house. 2. I might be a crazy person
Achilles has fallen asleep [in bed next to me] with her head on my shoulder for the past two nights and I can’t believe I’m entertaining the idea of getting an additional puppy. We are in our sweet spot
I put “wear deodorant” on my to do list for tomorrow but I don’t know why I did that. I just had a strong feeling that I should so I thought maybe that was Jesus speaking
I booked a cruise to the Caribbean next year but Irma wiped out all the islands I was going to visit. ??????? it’s sososososo sad and scary (the destruction – not the potentially cancelled cruise. I don’t give a whaaat about the cruise))
Jonathan is ON HIS WAY from London to visit me for 4 days and I downloaded a “learn to speak with a British accent” podcast in preparation. I’m terrible at it
Right now on Bumble there are 3 versions of Zac(h)(k) talking to me:
Zack- very excited about my book. He’s cute but I’m more interested in a book sale.
Zach- uses shorthand when he talks (“u” and “r”) so that’s a red flag. He also says “lol” so that’s a deal breaker.
Zack- told me yesterday that he plans on buying a book “this afternoon” and never did. I’m not mad about it but that’s the only reason I’m use Bumble so I need these boys to follow through.
sometimes I yell encouragement to Achilles like “GO SEA PUPPY” or “FOLLOW YOUR HEART” when she runs outside and it’s always fun and funny and everything when there’s someone close by to accidentally hear me
I didn’t realize how often I use the side of my thumb until I SLICED it on the side of a BLENDER BLADE (I got a new blender!!) (best birthday present). but oh the pain
Also, all the ants died. All. The. Ants. Died.
I should have asked my neighbor to go to my house and feed them an oat while I was gone, but didn’t think about it. I feel guilty about this
All the fluids from the hospital made my body a CHUNK (and thighs bigger than they’ve been in 12 years/probably the size of a normal person) and it’s making me reconsider pregnancy. Transfers were so tricky and my body was so heavy.
so
glad
I’m a woman and I could pee it all out. Motivation to not be fat or pregnant
There’s an ice cream shop underneath my publisher’s office that I always say I’m going to reward myself and visit but I never do because of the sugar. MY SECOND BOOK IS SUBMITTED SO I DESERVE CELEBRATION but I got a vegetable wrap instead. I do not know what fun is
I tricked the cute boy at Staples to making plans with me this weekend. He’s the one that printed my Beyoncé baby shower pictures so he knows I’m a crazy person. TRICKED HIM.
I gave my ant babies 2 pumpkin seeds and I think some of them died because of the salt. I want to discuss this with someone