I put “wear deodorant” on my to do list for tomorrow but I don’t know why I did that. I just had a strong feeling that I should so I thought maybe that was Jesus speaking

I booked a cruise to the Caribbean next year but Irma wiped out all the islands I was going to visit. ??????? it’s sososososo sad and scary (the destruction – not the potentially cancelled cruise. I don’t give a whaaat about the cruise))

Jonathan is ON HIS WAY from London to visit me for 4 days and I downloaded a “learn to speak with a British accent” podcast in preparation. I’m terrible at it

Right now on Bumble there are 3 versions of Zac(h)(k) talking to me:

Zack- very excited about my book. He’s cute but I’m more interested in a book sale.

Zach- uses shorthand when he talks (“u” and “r”) so that’s a red flag. He also says “lol” so that’s a deal breaker.

Zack- told me yesterday that he plans on buying a book “this afternoon” and never did. I’m not mad about it but that’s the only reason I’m use Bumble so I need these boys to follow through.

sometimes I yell encouragement to Achilles like “GO SEA PUPPY” or “FOLLOW YOUR HEART” when she runs outside and it’s always fun and funny and everything when there’s someone close by to accidentally hear me

I didn’t realize how often I use the side of my thumb until I SLICED it on the side of a BLENDER BLADE (I got a new blender!!) (best birthday present). but oh the pain

Also, all the ants died. All. The. Ants. Died.

I should have asked my neighbor to go to my house and feed them an oat while I was gone, but didn’t think about it. I feel guilty about this

All the fluids from the hospital made my body a CHUNK (and thighs bigger than they’ve been in 12 years/probably the size of a normal person) and it’s making me reconsider pregnancy. Transfers were so tricky and my body was so heavy.

so

glad

I’m a woman and I could pee it all out. Motivation to not be fat or pregnant

There’s an ice cream shop underneath my publisher’s office that I always say I’m going to reward myself and visit but I never do because of the sugar. MY SECOND BOOK IS SUBMITTED SO I DESERVE CELEBRATION but I got a vegetable wrap instead. I do not know what fun is

STUCK in the hospital for the 12 year anniversary of my accident. that’s fitting

I added cauliflower to my smoothies and my life is different

I tricked the cute boy at Staples to making plans with me this weekend. He’s the one that printed my Beyoncé baby shower pictures so he knows I’m a crazy person. TRICKED HIM.

I gave my ant babies 2 pumpkin seeds and I think some of them died because of the salt. I want to discuss this with someone

newest way to woo me:

ask to see my ant farm, or just talk about them. I love these guys (60)

I just got out of going to dinner with an attractive man by saying “I look like woo, though”

HAHAHAHA

he responded by saying “still a kissable woo,” which was a good response. But no

I took advantage of quality toilet paper my whole life but then
I bought
4 rolls for $.59 at Aldi and it WON’T TEAR. (such a good deal, though)

There’s a dead fly in front of my bedroom door and my front door that have been there for 3 days. I don’t want to pick them up BECAUSE DIRTY so I’m hoping Achilles will just eat them to get it over with

kristinbeale:

kristinbeale:

I’ve made a comic (for my new book) out of all the dates I’ve had for the past 3 months and I’m realizing that the only reason I want to go on dates anymore is to make a comic out of them. so hopefully they’re all really bad so I can have a good story

looking, always looking for reasons to get excited about dating again

the guy I went on a date with tonight said “can I see the comic if you make one about our date?” and I had to change the subject/not respond because he might be really bummed if I showed him what I drew

note: in the third box he’s telling me to “use other people’s sympathy to get them to open the door for you.” 

dude said that 3 TIMES until I called him out. so funny and bad

A man [whom I didn’t recognize but he recognized me] passed me on the sidewalk in Richmond and called “Achilles Jones.” When I turned around he said he couldn’t remember my name but he remembers Achilles’ name. (success)
He interviewed me for a video project last month and I had Achilles with me of course. she stole the show

I went on 3 dates today.
THREE
DATES
in one day.
one loves anime and is moving to China; one never stopped talking and bouncing; and one was attractive and a vegan on the week days. I don’t get excited about this stuff anymore