I dropped a blueberry down my shirt this morning and it fell out at lunchtime. This day is full of surprises

Old people just fart. They don’t care who hears it- they just fart.

Mom left a voicemail on my phone for “River Jones.”
I AM NOT HER SECRETARY.

There’s a lady in the waiting room that keeps burping and it’s so hard not to laugh

I asked Mom if she remembers Ross, friend from college. And look at our conversation
“Is he black?”
No
“Is he gay?”
No
“I thought all of your friends from college were black or gay.”

HAHAHA mom

Every time Matt walks past the front desk and/or completes a task he says “turn down for what” and I’m the only person that laughs anymore in the background. it’s so funny though

Professor Jones

first night with a hospital bed IN MY ROOM. not as bad as I thought because Mom who bought a comforter for it that I like so much(aw). Also Achilles sleeps in the neck of my hourglass-like figure so

the next person that makes me angry I’m going to call a “pee-butt”

kristinbeale:

I never thought sunburnt lips could feel this good

update: my mouth is always dry and the left side (the sunburnt side) is scratchy. Good thing I don’t have any boys to kiss for LIKE the next 3 years.
because this is not fun anymore

I’m just guy who loves making movies

I never thought sunburnt lips could feel this good

(starting at :08) I’ve had this song stuck in my head for two hours. help

Achilles was crying (SOBBING) out of her left eye and I can’t figure out why. only her left eye

I can't stop eating almonds.

like I’m not hungry for any meal because I eat so many almonds between every meal. call me a squirrel

the most attractive girl at my work gave me eyeliner and invited me out for drinks today. I think I have finally made it

Mr. President what are you doing

in the shower I just caught myself personifying and talking to my shampoo and conditioner bottles. by the time I realized what I was doing I was already in conversation and couldn’t just stop, ya know? that would be rude.

I am losing touch

I had an allergic reaction to a medicine and broke out in hives on both of my thighs so it looks like I have acne.
Back acne –> bacne
So leg acne –> lacne ?
I have lacne.

kristinbeale:

Robin bought a box of Krispy Kreme donuts and left them in the break room for anyone to have and I’ve been staring at them for 15 minutes. I’m all alone so no one would know BUT MY FIGURE. my ladylike figure would know

Update: I got a spoon and spooned off a piece of the best looking one (it was very hard to resist a tiny piece). But now it looks like some jerk took a mouth-bite and put it back in the box. Oops
No one will ever suspect me because they know I don’t like sugar. I feel guilty and nervous